The parasitic mass

The ultimate description of evil is that which needs to control. At least that is my ultimate description. For as long as I can remember, the world and my mind has attempted to control me, to put me in my place. But that is childs play compared to the relentless fire wheel known as my mind. It takes one act of evil outside to begin the process of evil within. Or vice versa. And the nuclear device known as my mind begins its action of using me. On certain days in particular, and I cannot predict when, it is suffocating. I no longer blame the realities of the world for my insanity. What I do blame, however, is the parasitic mass known as my ego. The ego I refer to is an automated machine thats sole purpose is to possess and control me. Once it has done so, it then chops me into little pieces then reconstructs me once again to chop me up into little pieces over and over again. It's main goal is to kill and resurrect me so that it can grow forever. It's ultimate aim is to overthrow God. By overthrowing God it separates me from myself, my ultimate reality, and removes the spiritual essence of my existence: my peace of mind.

When this mental ordinance is used, I am assaulted and see the world and its environs as a hostile entity. My only recourse is to save myself by hiding or running or fighting back. The damage, of course, is that I am running from that which is not real. But it uses a fabrication of reality to dupe me into obeying it. It is not only within, it is without. It is both a mental projection and a very material essence. It exists through mentation as well as human evil in the physical world. It is joined at the hip, as it were.

When I am "assaulted" I find that I have only one solution: God. However, my God contact is very often inaccesable to me depending on my spiritual condition. There are days when my God presence has been severely compromised. When this happens, the furies proactively increase their intentional energy to convince me of my essential limitation as a finite, cut off entity whose life is totally meaningless and is also responsible for the ills and foibles of the world. I then shut down completely and withdraw into a shell of ivory. Do not enter is my sign for the day.

People who are not concious simply cannot understand what occurs in someone who is become enlightened. They haven't a clue as to what goes on in the surrender process. They haven't a whimper of an idea of the agony of getting right sized from the illness of the ego, the ISM. Those with the disease, particularly those who are in recovery, are the only ones who can fully grasp the enormity of what it means to enter an unconcious world on a daily basis with innocence and vulnerability intact. Evils (egos) entire trip is to control those who are being set free.

It is not a one way deal. Turning it over means getting free for a while and then being brought back again. Laughing at the seriousness of the world and then believing I am responsible for it. It is a dance on a fire pit. That is why the aboriginal peoples of the world have such wisdom. They have integrated the madness of this dilemma, this untenable position of the human animal, and have built a soul from the shards of the broken pillars.

Bottoming out.

As I sit here, at the moment, I am overcome with a sense of absolute numbness. I am dumbfounded by the sheer enormity of my human dilemma. I feel as though I am being tested by God. How do I even begin to describe the feeling of complete and utter powerlessness I feel? It is indescribable. I look around my life, a life that I continue to be told I should be grateful for, and yet I have to fight every step of the way to believe even an iota of that concept. How can I share the contents of my mind and my soul? How do I touch the skin of what it means to suffer to the degree that I do? Am I addicted to this condition? Or am I touched by it and hence am merely trying to survive it? Is this a human problem or a personal one?

These are necessary questions as I attempt to come to terms with the inestimable disappointment that I call my life. A dissapointment not for what I have yet to accomplish, or perhaps never will, but a disappointment in the absolute sense of the imeasurable quality of endurance that one needs to contain the level of suffering I experience daily. This is not a relative term. My situation is unique to me and yet the human element remains constant. I in no way mean to denigrate another's journey to the soul. But I am simply stunned at the level of pain that I continue to encounter. Pain caused by a myriad of sources: refusal to accept what is, physical pain caused by recurrent sores and infections, constant disappointments at who I am or should become (psychic), more physical distress caused by the stress of other people, the abnegation of my ego or personality into a universal principal that I find hostile, the black emptiness of lonley isolation from a lover, the terrible fears of loss and the life long grief that will always be present, even as time heals all wounds. Having to disappear completely whether through death or personality destruction. And, of course, leaving me behind here.

I am most immediately troubled by the chronic nature of my ever increasing, ever burdensome physcial problems. While not in the same league with the severities of others I know, it still is my personal burden and, as such, it constitutes a need to adapt to a life of constant medical care. This is something I could not have imagined at my rather young age (45) a mere ten years ago. But, alas, the problems continue to grow. If it is not strange viruses or bacterium, it is gastrointestinal issues, or pharmeceutical care that is chronic. The extraordinary amount of antibiotics I have ingested this year alone is staggering.

Let us not speak of my financial affairs. Continually dismal, to say the least. Or my lost sense of personal identity as a Jew. I am seeking a resurrection in that arena. My tortuous relationship with a baseball team that savages me nightly, and my inchoate diatribes of the mind. The inssuferable, nauseating thoughts which run rampant without recourse to relief.

I am sober, thank God. But whose God am I to thank? I follow the instructions of others, but which others do I follow? I believe you when you like me, or when I win or you win and I win through you. But I wonder, do I believe me? Do I trust and respect me? How do I let Go and let God? You say, just let it go, like a piece of hot coal, and then you sell millions of books with that line.

Angry? No, not at all. Just amazed. Simply amazed.

Enough already!

Hi everyone.
I am returning after a prolonged absence from the airwaves due to shame and a recurring hideous staph infection. Yes, my droogs, really nasty and antibiotically callous, surgically required MMRS. Alert: Do not get this thing. Whatever you do, check often for boils, abscesses, carbuncles, buncles, anything bumpy etc.

I am at work. Have lots to say. But must leave now.

Here is the truth today.

I love you so much my dear dear friends. You are me, and we are me and I am you and you are me and walrus and walrus etc.

Peace and remembrance.

Tony